“With Gentle Affect – Surviving Trauma”
2024 update to a piece originally published December 15, 2022
Written with gentle affect and love for all:
Words can be a powerful thing. Sometimes we may say something unintentionally that can open the wounds of another. The range of emotion conjured when this occurs, may sometimes be manifest in response. Sometimes this reaction is purely instinctual. In this scenario, I have been both the receiver, and unknowingly, the offender. In the role of the latter, I was in no position to cop an attitude with the person informing me about my offense. I listened, apologized, and corrected myself to accommodate the individual’s disability, emotion, or trauma.
In a world that has become so full of hate, there are many that have survived great trauma. Words that may seem innocent, can be like thrusting the sharpest of double-edged swords, slashing open the heart’s healing scars. Sometimes, if one pokes the hive, the bee is likely to sting out of instinctual self-preservation. It’s important to be mindful of others we encounter. Only they may know the shadows that haunt within them.
Being an advocate is not an easy task–essentially, you’re telling people that what they do may not be right. But without advocacy, where does change lie? Because of the cards I’ve been dealt, I’ve been a magnet for every type of discrimination, ableism, and injustice a disabled person might experience. And because of my recovery and resilience, I feel a responsibility to stand firm for people that may not have the strength, or fear speaking out. If one day, doing so may help to prevent others with invisible disabilities from being subjected to any of the many things I have experienced, how could I remain silent?
With that said, the last time I checked, I’m human, complete with a brain, a heart, and everything else, including emotions. I also don’t harbor bitterness or resentment… It messes up the atmosphere inside. Having multiple physical and invisible disabilities, including two brain injuries and autism, I don’t always pick up on everything and sometimes struggle with social cues. A civil, patient conversation usually removes any misunderstandings.
I originally wrote this in December 2022, in response to a situation in which somebody reopened a scar 0f mine with careless banter, though unintentionally. In that case, rather than communicate in a civilized manner, they instead flew off the handle. In my opinion, this is not the way to tear down the walls that separate. Unfortunately, after this person stirred up traumatic emotions in me, they became angry when I made them aware. It’s my trauma, and I’m not sorry I spoke up about their unnecessary statement, which was best left unsaid.
If something I’ve said was misinterpreted or seemed offensive, I’ve always been open to civilized correction and conversation about it. I am not open to aggressive, assumptive bellowing, badgering, or spewing of unfounded facts or accusations.
Update 2024
The original post from 2022 came about after someone made a comment about a disability limitation that bothered me very much. This person, who also has invisible disabilities, was oblivious to the pain they caused, and decided to block me instead of communicate. C’est la vie. I wrote the piece above, and moved on.
A couple of weeks ago, that same person followed me again, but I didn’t recognize them from two years ago. A couple of my invisible disabilities are accompanied by occasional memory issues. As I often do, I copied their handle and went to my other profile to follow them from there, as well. When I went to their page, they had me blocked, which confounded me. After a few days of consideration, I wrote a polite, but frank DM just to ask why they had me blocked, and clear my confusion. I still had no idea who it was until I received their response.
The person went semi-ballistic, making unfounded assumptions about my character and motivations, adding that they had “had run-ins” with me before. I knew exactly who this person was from two years ago–the one who insulted me about limitations of my disabilities, and behaved in a similar manner back then. Perhaps their agitated state is a symptom of a disability that I am unaware of. Either way, I will accommodate them. I didn’t feel the need to waste my time replying, so I updated this piece for my blog instead.
I would caution every member of the disabled community (and anyone outside of it) with this last bit of advice:
If you’re disabled, and you only consider and accommodate people with your particular disability, you might be an ablest… Strike that, you are! I’m not always Pollyanna, sometimes I’m Oscar the grouch. Please don’t take the lid off my can.
“If one breaks one’s leg, they may have trouble walking. Patience and understanding is key. The same is true for the brain.” – @OutOfExile_IDR
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